


broken mirror (the things i've learned)

by wxnderlust



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - America, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, American AU, Angst, Anorexia, Bullying, Child Abuse, Depressed Liam, Depression, Derogatory Language, Domestic Violence, Eating Disorders, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Explicit Language, F/M, Former Best Friends, Foul Language, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, High School AU, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Insecure Liam, Jock Liam, Liam-centric, M/M, No Smut, One-Sided Eleanor Calder/Louis Tomlinson, One-Sided Liam Payne/Sophia Smith, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Past Character Death, Physical Abuse, Pining (probably), Sad Liam, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Smoking, So sorry for all the tags :(, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tutor Zayn, Tutoring, alcohol use, closeted Liam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-22
Updated: 2016-08-04
Packaged: 2018-05-15 13:29:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5786971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wxnderlust/pseuds/wxnderlust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five years ago, Liam and Zayn were best friends, but as they grew older, they drifted apart. Now Zayn is covered in tattoos and constantly has a cigarette between his fingers while Liam is a seemingly clean-cut All-American jock and one of the most popular guys at Bridgewater High School. </p><p>Junior year of high school, everything in their lives seems to be falling apart before their eyes. But when Zayn has to tutor Liam in English, they discover that, with the help of each other and their three friends, they may just be able to piece themselves back together.</p><p>(or the dark yet cliché American AU where Liam is a popular jock trying too hard to be perfect and Zayn is one-third badass and two-thirds lost.)</p><p>[title from "Cecilia and the Satellite" by Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Just Breathe

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Of all the churning random hearts under the sun](https://archiveofourown.org/works/837665) by [intherubble](https://archiveofourown.org/users/intherubble/pseuds/intherubble). 



> Disclaimer: I do not claim to own One Direction or know anyone depicted in this story. Everything, including events and relationships, in this story is fictional and from my imagination.
> 
> There could be possibly triggering material in this story, including eating disorder(s), child abuse (mental, verbal, and physical), bullying, alcohol abuse, derogatory language, homophobia, panic attacks, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, depression, and past character death. Please do not read if you think you will be triggered by any of these. I will mention at the beginning of every chapter if there is any triggering material. Also, be sure to keep an eye out for the tags, because other possibly triggering content may be added other than what I listed here.
> 
> Playlist (will be added to as story progresses):  
> »"Little Do You Know" by Alex & Sierra  
> »"Cecilia and the Satellite" by Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness  
> »"Invisible" by 5 Seconds of Summer  
> »"Gasoline" by Halsey  
> »"Demons" by Imagine Dragons  
> »"Read All About It Pt. III" by Emeli Sandé  
> »"Force of Nature" by Bea Miller  
> »"For the First Time" by The Script  
> »"Fire N Gold" by Bea Miller  
> »"Check Yes, Juliet" by We The Kings  
> »"All Too Well" by Taylor Swift  
> »"How To Save A Life" by The Fray  
> »"The Last Time" by Taylor Swift (feat. Gary Lightbody)  
> »"Soap" by Melanie Martinez  
> »"Something's Gotta Give" by All Time Low

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is implied eating disorders, self-harming behaviors, suicidal thoughts, referenced child abuse, panic attacks, implied alcohol abuse, referenced bullying, and minor homophobic and derogatory language in this chapter. Please do not read if you think you will be triggered.
> 
> Warning, this is not beta'd.

By the time the alarm clock buzzes at five-thirty, Liam Payne has already been awake for three-and-a-half hours. At exactly two-oh-three a.m. (he had checked), his father had come home, cursing and stumbling around in a drunken stupor. That is how he knows it is going to be one of his father's bad days.

(Liam cannot remember when the last good day was.)

The intoxicated man manages to stumble into bed by two-thirty, but Liam has come to learn that, once awake, it is very hard to fall asleep again. Out of options, he climbs from his bed and spends the remaining hours before he has to "wake up" trying to complete the English homework assigned for over the weekend. Without much success, however.

Once his alarm clock buzzes, he turns it off and stretches his limbs. He begins his workout routine. Twenty sit-ups.

 _One two three four five._ Inhale.

(Laughing at stupid jokes)

 _One two three four five._ Exhale.

(Singing loudly to classic rock)

 _One two three four five._ Inhale.

(Glittering stars, glittering eyes)

 _One two three four five._ Exhale.

(A warm hand on his shoulder)

He shifts, so his torso and palms are pressed to the floor. Twenty push-ups.

 _One two three four five._ Inhale.

(Traffic light from green to red)

 _One two three four five._ Exhale.

(Screeching tires, shattered glass)

 _One two three four five._ Inhale.

(Shrieking, crying, redredredred)

 _One two three four five._ Exhale.

(Muted words and cold hands)

Heavy footsteps sound from the hallway, jerking Liam from his thoughts. Quickly, he pulls on track pants and a loose t-shirt before lacing up a pair of tennis shoes. After strapping his phone to his bicep and lodging his earbuds in his ears, he exits his safe haven.

(Even though it was hell yesterday, and he has the bruises to prove it.)

Crashing can be heard from the kitchen, no doubt his father attempting to find a pan to use. The man never sleeps for longer than a few hours, even after spending half the night at various bars. Just before Liam steps out the door, his father shouts, "Liam! C'mere a minute!"

He takes a deep breath before trudging to the entrance of the kitchen. As suspected, his father plucks a pan up from the mess scattered across the yellowing tiles. "Do you need something?" Liam asks, careful.

(He knows by now what will happen if he isn't.)

The older man shakes his head. "Game's Thursday, yeah?" Liam nods. "You should run for a bit longer. Looks like you haven't lost those pounds you put on since soccer ended."

(Which makes no sense because he has kept a consistent weight since last volleyball season began, over a year ago, and soccer ended a few months ago in the spring.)

His father's eyes scrutinize Liam, who shifts under the harsh gaze. He winces when his father steps over to clap him on the back. "No pain, no gain, Liam."

Liam nods and bolts out of the house, his father's mantra seared into his brain. He sprints down the sidewalk, ignoring the soreness pervading his body. _Runrunrunrunrunrunrun._

As Liam approaches his usual turning point, he closes his eyes. _No pain, no gain._ He increases his pace, pushing himself until he can feel the burn in his legs. His father's voice whispers in his mind, _no pain, no gain, no pain, no gain_ , tangling with the voices of those he knew in primary school, _stupid, fat, worthless, fag_ , the voices that assaulted him as he curled in on himself on the ground. The voices grow louder until he can't hear the music blasting in his ears, and the words bleed together, becoming indistinguishable among the mess of his mind, _no pain, no gain, worthless, stupid no pain no gain weird fatfagnopainnogainworthlessfag_.

Stumbling and gasping, Liam collapses on a bench in the park his mother used to take him to when he was still a child and innocent to the cruelties of the world. His shoulders heave as his lungs desperately scream for oxygen. His fingernails dig into his palms as he clenches his fists.

He hyperventilates. He can't seem to get enough air in his lungs, and the edges of his vision blur; Liam has the overwhelming urge to pass out. Maybe that will end this torture and he'll be able to breathe again, or maybe he'll just stop trying to breathe, and in this moment, Liam isn't sure which he would prefer. Before he can decide, a warm hand finds a place on his back, rubbing soothing circles between his shoulder blades.

"Shh... everything's going to be alright. Just breathe, Leeyum, okay? With me, alright?" A familiar voice whispers in his ear before taking a deep, audible breath. Liam tries to mimic the other person's exaggerated breathing, ignoring any questions of the kind stranger's identity until he doesn't feel like dying.

(He swears to God the way the other person says his name is painfully familiar, but he can't seem to push through the haze clouding his mind, and all he can really think about is the anchoring warmth on his back and the stranger's gentle reminder to _Just breathe._ )

Within a few minutes, Liam's breathing has returned to normal. When he looks up to thank whoever, he freezes and _we don't know how we got into this mess_ is just an echo in his ears. The boy looks incredibly concerned, dark eyebrows furrowed and a frown curling his lips. An unlit cigarette dangles between his fingers, and his other hand remains a soft presence on Liam's back.

"Zayn," he breathes. They stare at each other, Zayn in worry and Liam in shock. _Nonononononono_. Before he can comprehend what he's doing, he's shaking his head and shooting up from the bench. His back feels cold now, and his stomach twists. With a quick, "sorry," he sprints back the way he came. Zayn doesn't say a word.

(Not that Liam is surprised by that, but even after five years, he can't help but harbor hope still.)

The last time he saw Zayn Malik was Friday at school when he was walking to the student parking lot. The other boy sat on the hood of his car, alternating between making out with a sophomore girl and smoking a cigarette. Liam stared much longer at Zayn than what would be considered "not creepy," but Liam could not find it in himself to care, because Zayn used to be his best friend and they used to spend every day together, sunrise to sunset, talking and laughing and playing.

Liam's new best friends, Niall Horan and Louis Tomlinson, studied him, perfectly knowledgeable when it came to _LiamandZayn._ Eventually, Zayn looked over and smirked at him, as if he had known all along Liam was watching him. He probably did. Liam's face burned. Later that night, Liam was analyzing this minimal interaction when his father came home, smelling of cheap beer. He then made sure to tell Liam in slurred words exactly what was wrong with him, _weakfatstupidworthlessyourfaultyourfaultyourfault_ , before punching him in the gut and kicking him when he was lying on the floor, choking on his own blood. That was the last time Liam cried himself to sleep.

The last time he spoke to Zayn was a Friday, too, but they were eleven and it was through the crackly mouthpiece of a telephone. Zayn explained he couldn't attend Liam's birthday party later that afternoon; he had already agreed to attend a sleepover at another friend's house. It made Liam feel sick, because Zayn had only moved away and met this new friend a few weeks ago and today was his actual birthday and Liam had told him months ago that the party would be today and Zayn had told him he wouldn't miss it for the world. Apparently that sentiment had since changed to _"but I would for Harry Styles."_

They ended the call soon after, with a brief but frighteningly final "Goodbye." Zayn didn't tell Liam, "Happy birthday." Not that it really mattered in the end, because Liam did not have a happy birthday, because Zayn had been the only one invited to his birthday party, because no one at school really liked Liam. Now it seemed Zayn did not like him either. That was the first time Liam cried himself to sleep.

(Liam has lost count of how many times he has cried himself to sleep, but he knows he will always remember the first, because it was not because of the bullies or the bruises but because of his best friend who suddenly decided he didn't want to be best friends anymore and who left him alone on a day when no one should be alone with nothing but bright blue balloons and a giant cake and pitying eyes and whispered condolences.)

Lost in his jumbled thoughts, Liam's pace has slowed to a walk, and by the time he arrives home, he has only enough time to shower and dress. He does this mechanically, trying to push everything to the back of his mind. He ensures that the temperature of the water is up high enough that it scorches his skin a bright red.

(Something else Liam has lost count of.)

(After stepping out, he weighs himself on the ancient scale tucked away under the sink, and the number glares up at him in an angry red, and Liam squeezes his eyes shut before he starts crying.)

In the kitchen, he brushes past the greasy bacon and eggs his father cooked copious amounts of and grabs a cereal bar, the only thing he has time to eat. Liam almost regrets choosing to shower instead until he sees the too-large number branded across his eyelids and hears his father whisper in his ear and feels his sharp gaze burn his skin. _Fatfatfatfat._ Suddenly, Liam doesn't mind his reduced breakfast this morning.

(Even more so, he puts the cereal bar back and downs a bottle of water instead, hoping to soothe the hunger pains.)

Louis always waits outside in the mornings before school, his car stalled at the curb. Niall lounges in the backseat, singing loudly to overplayed Top 40 hits. Grabbing his backpack, Liam exits the house and trudges across the lawn to Louis' car.

"Hey, Li!" Louis greets, turning the radio down. Niall salutes him, singing along to Taylor Swift.

"Louis, Niall," Liam says. He places his backpack on the floorboard and buckles his seatbelt, keeping his gaze trained on his large hands.

Louis frowns at him as he pulls away from the curb. "Everything alright, Liam?"

He nods and traces with his eyes the blue-green veins on the backs of his hands. "Yeah, of course. Just didn't get a lot of sleep last night." Which is true, but certainly not the reason for his distance.

Louis does not believe him; apparently neither does Niall, judging from the snort coming from the backseat. "Liam, what's wrong? Did something happen with your dad?" Louis' voice is soft and concerned, and Liam's knuckles turn white as they grip his jean-clad thighs. He curls his fingertips inward, so his nails dig into his flesh. Much to Liam's chagrin, all this achieves is painless pressure.

Niall cuts in, his tone a mix of concern and seriousness, "Y'know you can tell us anything, man." Louis nods in agreement, and Liam presses his nails harder into his thighs.

He avoids meeting their eyes, instead electing to stare out the window at the cerulean sky for a few moments before Louis's vibrant eyes flash across his eyelids. "I know, but there's nothing to tell. Really."

("I know, but there's everything to tell, and I can't figure out how I'm supposed to break it to you that _I'm_ breaking.")

Neither of them seem to believe him, but they don't question him further. Throughout the ride to school, they all stay silent; however, Louis and Niall keep sneaking glances at Liam when they think he isn't looking.

They pull into the student parking lot at seven-twenty, ten minutes before the tardy bell will ring. Liam avoids looking at Zayn's assigned space, knowing he's probably having a last minute cigarette, someone new tucked under his arm.

Niall and Louis's conversation is white noise to Liam as they walk to history, the only class the three share out of a total of seven. He also has music with Niall and chemistry with Louis.

"Why the fuck is Zayn staring at you?" Louis's demanding voice startles Liam out of his thoughts. He follows Louis's gaze down the crowded hallway, where Zayn is scrutinizing Liam while leaning up against a beat-up locker. His dark eyes trail down Liam's body, lingering on his hands which have curled into white-knuckled fists. His fingernails cut into his palms when he shrugs.

A pretty redhead accosted Niall a few feet back, so only Louis can see the way Liam's eyes flicker to Zayn before they close. Louis frowns. "Don't bullshit me, Payne. _Something_ happened before school this morning, and it has to do with Zayn Malik, a guy you haven't properly spoken to in five fucking years."

"Why are you making a big deal out of this, Louis?" Liam attempts to change the topic. "We don't even know if it's me he's looking at." Louis snorts, because yeah, that is a pretty pathetic lie. It's obvious who held Zayn's attention at the moment.

"Look, I just _know_ , alright? You were distant this morning, and now Zayn's watching you like you're a wounded puppy or some shit like that," Louis replies.

(Liam knows it would be easy to deny that something happened, because in all honesty Louis doesn't really have much evidence. Just Liam's not-so-strange distance and Zayn's limited behavior. But Liam already lies enough when it comes to a lot of stuff, so why can't he at least try to placate Louis with a half-truth?)

Liam rubs the back of his neck before sighing. "We ran into each other this morning. I was feeling upset about you know, and he comforted me."

"Why?" Louis says, incredulous. He glances at Zayn, who has turned his attention to a blonde girl, and draws his eyebrows together.

Liam frowns. "I don't know."

(That question has haunted him since he ran away this morning, _whywhywhywhy?_ , but Liam has yet to formulate an answer.)

Louis purses his lips, but doesn't say any more on the topic. Instead, he snatches up Liam's wrist and tugs him to their history class.

* * *

 

History passes in a blur of useless facts and forced laughter. Thankfully, Louis did not mention Zayn again, but like in the car, he periodically glanced at Liam when he thought Liam wasn't paying attention.

For his second period, Liam is scheduled to be an "Office Aide." Mostly that means running errands around the building and fetching students from class to be dismissed early, but the secretaries in charge are lenient about letting students go to the library or a teacher for extra help. The only downside is he has this class with Harry Styles, Zayn's new best friend.

(Every time Liam hears "Harry Styles" he can't help but remember Zayn's words to him the last time they spoke. _"I'm really sorry, but I can't come. I already agreed to go to a sleepover at another friend's house today. His name's Harry Styles. He's really cool, Liam. Maybe I can introduce you sometime."_ Liam also can't help but think to himself, _That's who Zayn replaced me with_ , but then he thinks maybe it wasn't so much of a replacement as an upgrade.)

When Liam arrives at the office, Harry is already there. Instead of his usual bright grin though, he only stares at Liam. He keeps his eyes trained on him for a few moments, eyebrows knit together, before dropping his gaze to the binder in front of him. Liam frowns but doesn't inquire about Harry's strange behavior.

(All he can think right now is _heknowsheknowsheknowsheknows_. Knows what, on the other hand, he isn't sure.)

He drops his backpack at the corner table in the back, right across from Harry. Even though the curly-haired boy usually greets Liam with an enthusiastic smile, silence fills the space between them the rest of the time most days.

Retrieving his English notebook and a thin novel, Liam frowns at the blank sheet. Ms. Owens told the class to read the first three chapters of F. Scott Fitzgerald's _The Great Gatsby_ and analyze three significant quotes.

Liam managed to read the assigned chapters but hasn't analyzed anything. Thumbing through the pages, he reads over the last line of the third chapter. _I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known._ He swallows.

"He's sorry you know," Harry blurts out. Liam's gaze snaps up to look at him, brow furrowed. Harry seems to be looking anywhere but Liam, because he keeps glancing at his papers on the table to the clock on one of the secretaries' desks to just past Liam's head before staring at his papers again.

Liam opens his mouth to respond but snaps it closed after a moment. He tries to say something again, but he can't seem to push any words past the lump in his throat.

(To be honest, he isn't entirely sure what he would say even if he could speak, because he's waited for an apology for five years, and now he has one, but it wasn't Zayn who said it. No, it was Harry fucking Styles, who has nothing to apologize for really, because being a better friend than Liam probably was isn't something he should be sorry for.)

"Liam?" Harry tilts his head, his chestnut curls falling to the side. "Are you okay?"

When Liam looks into Harry's eyes (green like envy), he sees nothing but concern. He shakes his head quickly, and a desperate repetition of " _nonononononono_ " leaks from his lips before he jumps from his seat and shoves everything into his backpack.

"What are you doing?" Harry asks, reaching out a hand. Liam doesn't respond, only throws his backpack on and darts out of the office, ignoring the secretaries' protests. He hears Harry tell them something about going to the library, but he doesn't turn back.

He runs into the nearest bathroom and locks himself in the handicap stall. Dropping his backpack on the dirty linoleum, Liam begins pacing the small space. He knows he can't go back to the office, so he'll have to either stay locked in the bathroom stall or find somewhere else to hide out.

After a few minutes of pacing, Liam hears footsteps. He holds his breath, hoping whoever it is won't notice him or will ignore him. The feet, clad in clunky boots, stop in front of his stall. A hesitant knock comes, followed by a soft voice. "Liam? It's Harry." After a pause, "Please open the door."

Liam doesn't open the door.

(All he can focus on is Harry's words in the office _he'ssorryhe'ssorryhe'ssorry_ and Zayn's concerned eyes in the park _five different shades of brown clouded with questions_ and the strangeness of today.)

Harry seems to take Liam's silence as his cue to continue their first conversation. "He's sorry, Liam," he repeats.

Unable to see Harry's face, Liam finds himself letting out a snort. His open derision surprises him for a moment before the words tumble from his mouth. " _Sorry?_ Is that all he has to say after five years? That he's fucking _sorry_? Sorry for what exactly? Sorry for not coming to my birthday party? Sorry for leaving me alone to deal with the beatings and the name-calling? Sorry for never trying to contact me again? Sorry for not being there when my family was falling apart?"

Liam is almost shouting and sobbing at the same time by the end of his tirade, and Harry is quiet on the other side of the door.

(Liam isn't really sure where his courage or the words came from, but once he's run out, the only thing coursing through him is _ohgodohgodohgodohgod_ because Harry might not be talking about Zayn, or maybe he is but he's talking about what happened this morning, not what's been happening for the past five years.)

"For what it's worth, I think you should know he's worried about you too, and honestly, so am I," Harry says after a moment, apparently deciding against acknowledging Liam's half-crazed words.

"There's nothing to worry about," Liam says, and that's such a load of bullshit, but it's the same crap he's been spouting for too long now, so there isn't much point in telling the truth, especially not to Harry.

(The truth, of course, would be that while Zayn and Harry have no right to be concerned, they do have a reason to.)

"You should talk to him," Harry says softly. As if it were that simple. Liam resists rolling his eyes, and after a minute of silence, Harry leaves. That's when Liam breaks down.

It begins with a few stray tears trailing down his cheeks. He wipes them away as soon as they appear, not wanting to get caught crying in the school bathroom. The tears continue to fall though, too much for Liam to control, and so he gives up trying.

(That's the story of his life now that he thinks about it because as soon as something begins to become too much, he gives up. He did it with Zayn, with his father, with the tears, and Liam wants to add his life to the list, but he knows he's not quite ready for that yet and maybe he won't ever be ready but he knows that sometimes he wishes he wouldn't wake up in the morning after his father kicks him in the head a bit too hard or that his father's wish that Liam died that night would come true and he knows that the dreams in which he dies have become less like the nightmares they should be.)

 _One two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven._ Chest heaving, Liam counts to one hundred eighteen before he can breathe properly again.

(Ever since Harry apologized, in a dark, desolate corner of Liam's mind, a familiar voice has been whispering over and over again, " _Just breathe, just breathe, just breathe, just breathe, Leeyum. Just breathe._ ")


	2. Casually Cruel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title and song lyrics in this chapter are from Taylor Swift's "All Too Well."
> 
> There are panic attacks, implied child abuse, referenced bullying, self-harming behaviors, self-deprecating thoughts, eating disorders, and minor derogatory language in this chapter. Please do not read if you think you will be triggered.
> 
> Also, I feel like I should make it clear that some real people are portrayed in negative ways in this story, and those portrayals reflect neither their real-life actions and personalities nor my opinion of those people.
> 
> Warning, this is not beta'd.

Thirty minutes after his breakdown, Liam emerges from the handicap stall. No one else has come into this bathroom yet, and he needs to clean up before the bell rings in five minutes.

(Liam considers for half a moment skipping the rest of the day before he shudders at the thought of returning home, and his shaking hands ghost over his torso, a sickening kaleidoscope of black and blue and yellow and green.)

The only mirror is cracked down the middle, leaving his reflection somewhat distorted. He cringes when he glances at his puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks. Turning on the rusty tap, he splashes his face with cold water and scrubs at his skin for much longer than necessary.

( _I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it_ tumbles around his head and he thinks Niall was singing it this morning but he's too damn tired to try and figure it all out now.)

He dries his face with a stiff, brown paper towel before tossing it in the trash can. The bell rings, a high-pitched screech that scrapes his eardrums, and Liam scoops up his backpack. His third class of the day is Algebra II, which he has with Danielle Peazer and Sophia Smith, his girlfriend and her best friend.

The classroom is almost full by the time Liam arrives, and as usual, Danielle and Sophia are already seated in the back, whispering to each other.

(And really, if that isn't a metaphor for their entire relationship, he doesn't know what is).

Liam takes his seat next to Danielle, flashing her a smile, because if there's anyone he needs to pretend to be happy for, it's his girlfriend. She leans over and presses her lips to his only long enough for him to taste a hint of her peppermint chapstick.

"How was your weekend?" she asks after pulling away.

(Liam knows her well enough by now that she doesn't really care, that she doesn't want to hear about the bruises he has collected since he last saw her Friday afternoon or about how he's spent the past two-and-a-half days either crying or bleeding or both.)

"Fine. Yours?" he replies, sparing a glance at Sophia. She licks her lips when she catches him looking at her. Liam frowns and averts his eyes.

"Oh, it was okay. Went shopping on Saturday, but otherwise, it was boring." Danielle shrugs before tucking a lock of brown hair behind her ear and returning to her conversation with Sophia.

(Liam bites his tongue and sinks his fingernails into his palms. Almost every Friday night, there is a party down by the beach, and he knows Danielle went because Andy Samuels sent him a photo of her grinding against some guy. Not to mention that today Danielle has her hair in a side braid, and branded on the bare side of her neck is a poorly covered hickey he knows he didn't give her.)

Danielle and Sophia whisper to each other throughout class while Liam attempts to keep his attention on the math problems written on the board. Around him, everyone chatters with each other, about their weekend, about their classmates, about themselves. The words are only an insistent buzz in Liam's ears, nonsense he can't even force himself to care about anymore.

When the bell rings, Danielle attaches herself to Liam, and they walk to English together, Sophia off to chemistry. On the way, Danielle gossips about their classmates, but Liam isn't paying much attention at first.

"Wait, what did you just say?" Liam interrupts, his grip tightening around Danielle's hand.

She rolls her eyes. "During second today, Harry Styles came into the library and talked to Zayn Malik, and then they both asked me about you."

"What did they ask?" Liam says as they come to the English classroom. She doesn't reply until they are sitting in the back, behind Andy.

(Liam tries to ignore how his heart thunders in his chest and how his mind keeps formulating questions they could have possibly asked Danielle. _Why did Liam freak out this morning in the park? Why did Liam freak out this morning in the office? Why is Liam such a freak anyway?_ )

"Is Liam okay?" Danielle's voice tugs him from his thoughts.

"Huh?" Liam furrows his eyebrows.

"I swear to God, you are such an idiot. That's what they asked me." Danielle rolls her eyes for the second time in not even five minutes before taking her notebook from her bag.

On the other side of Liam, Andy whispers, "Bitch."

Liam just hides his burning cheeks in his arms which are resting on his desk and waits for Ms. Owens to check the homework he never managed to complete.

(Now all he can focus on is Danielle's-- and apparently Harry and Zayn's-- words. _Is Liam okay?_ Why exactly do they suddenly care about Liam? Neither have shown themselves to be concerned about him before this morning.)

When the tardy bell rings, he sits back up, and Ms. Owens steps into the classroom, her bright yellow dress and beaming face attracting everyone's attention. "Good morning, class!" she says, "Today we will be discussing the first three chapters of _The Great Gatsby,_ so I hope everyone completed their analysis."

Ms. Owens smiles as she circles the room, checking for the homework. Both Andy and Danielle have their notebooks placed on their desks, but Liam only shrugs and sinks his nails into his palms when Ms. Owens lifts an eyebrow at him.

"W-what did you say? To Harry and Z-Zayn, I mean," Liam asks, his nails going deeper each time he stutters.

Danielle shrugs. "I said you were." Liam nods and focuses on Ms. Owens's next words.

( _So casually cruel in the name of being honest_ reminds Liam of Danielle, and again, he thinks Niall might have been singing it this morning. _I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here._ )

"Okay, so for the next twenty minutes, I want everyone to get in groups of four to five and discuss the first three chapters of _The Great Gatsby_ ," Ms. Owens says.

Andy and Danielle turn to Liam, and Liam sighs. Before he can open his mouth, a piercing voice asks, "Can El and I join your group?" Liam turns to see Perrie Edwards and Eleanor Calder watching him.

( _One two three four five... Just breathe, Leeyum, just breathe..._ )

Chewing on his lip, Liam nods his head. Both girls grin and sit in the desks to his right. "So, where do you guys want to start?" Perrie asks, tossing her blonde hair over her shoulder. Liam doesn't reply, instead his thoughts turn to this morning in the hallway. He realizes Perrie had been the blonde he saw with Zayn and berates himself for not making the connection sooner. _Of course_ it had been Perrie; she and Zayn have been dating on and off since the beginning of last year.

"So, Dani, how was your weekend?" Andy asks, jostling Liam from his epiphany. Andy raises his eyebrows and smirks at Danielle.

"It was okay," she says, her tone indicating she doesn't want to talk about it.

"Just okay? You looked like you were having fun at that party Friday night." Andy points at Danielle's neck, and she flushes. Liam's nails find his palms.

(As much as Liam appreciates Andy's reasons for calling Danielle out, he also really wants to strangle the guy. Now is not the time to unveil the faults in Liam and Danielle's relationship; it isn't ever really, but especially not in front of Zayn's girlfriend and her best friend. _Six seven eight nine ten_.)

"Shut up, Andy. That's none of your fucking business." Danielle sends a quick glance at Liam before glaring at Andy.

Eleanor taps Liam on the shoulder, distracting him (thank god) from the catastrophe unfolding before them. Her dark hair is pulled into a messy bun atop her head, and loose strands keep getting stuck in her lip gloss. She tucks the offending hairs behind her ear before saying, "You're friends with Louis Tomlinson, right?"

Liam nods. Eleanor grins. "I have Spanish with him for seventh block."

(Liam doesn't tell her that he already knows this because every afternoon since school started a month ago, Louis complains about her and questions why he has to spend fifty minutes with the girl every afternoon.)

"He speaks the language very well. Does he have family that speak Spanish?" she asks. Liam shakes his head. Eleanor looks put-out for a moment before brightening again. "Do you think he would mind if I sat with him at lunch?"

Liam doesn't receive a chance to reply because then Perrie nudges him, a too-bright smile on her face. "You're last name is Payne, right?"

(Liam is torn between offense at the question and gratitude at the interruption because he is sure the name _Perrie Edwards_ is listed in his old elementary school yearbooks right alongside his own.)

He nods and casts a worried look at Danielle and Andy who are still bickering. Perrie's smile fades slightly at his response, but she continues with her line of questioning. "You used to be friends with Zayn, yeah?"

( _Eleven twelve thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty. Just breathe._ )

Liam nods again.

(His head and neck begin to hurt due to all the movement, but a lump has formed in his throat and he doesn't think he'd be able to push any words out even if he wanted to speak.)

Perrie's smile turns predatory (Liam is reminded of the great white shark on _Finding Nemo_ ) as she tosses her blonde locks over her shoulder. "But you aren't anymore?" She continues before he can answer. "How did that happen anyway? Did you have an argument or something? Or did you just grow apart?"

(Liam is the last person Perrie should be asking about the breakdown of Liam and Zayn's friendship because in all honesty, he isn't quite sure what happened. Did Zayn get tired of Liam? Or maybe Zayn never really cared for Liam and moving across town was the perfect opportunity to be rid of him? Liam doesn't know the reason exactly, no matter how much he'd like to, but he does know that he lost his best friend that day and that wound still hasn't healed quite yet.)

"Dump him then!" Strained with anger, Andy's voice catches the attention of Liam, Perrie, and Eleanor. Danielle glares at Andy, but he continues talking, "Break up with him if you don't love him, Danielle, but don't keep cheating and stringing him along. It isn't fair to him."

"You don't get to tell me what to do, Andy," she replied.

( _Twenty-one twenty-two twenty-three twenty-four twenty-five. Just breathe, just breathe, just breathe._ In the the back of Liam's mind, he knows having three panic attacks before noon isn't particularly good, but all he can think about now is counting and breathing and hoping he doesn't pass out in front of everyone. Fuck, how he wishes Louis or Niall or even Zayn were here because they can talk him down from an attack. No one in this room can, though Andy's probably the only one who gives a shit about whether Liam suffocates on his own panic.)

Neither Andy nor Danielle seem to care that the subject of their conversation can hear them. Eleanor watches their argument, but Perrie's wide eyes track Liam's every move.

(He isn't sure how long it has been since Ms. Owens told the class what to do, but Liam really wishes that those twenty minutes would end soon.)

Andy sighs. "He's your boyfriend, Danielle, but you act like he's nothing but a toy."

Instead of responding, Danielle jumps from her seat and excuses herself to the bathroom. Andy sighs again and shoots a weak smile at Liam, as if that makes up for everything that's been said.

(Liam won't admit that it kind of does-- he's never been particularly good at holding grudges. Well, except against Zayn, but even then Liam can't say for certain that he wouldn't throw himself into Zayn's arms if the boy ever apologized in person.)

He gives Andy a smile that probably looks more like a grimace before excusing himself to the bathroom. He refuses to look at Perrie or Eleanor.

(The numbers in his head keep growing larger. _Twenty-six twenty-seven twenty-eight twenty-nine thirty. Just breathe, just breathe, just breathe, Leeyum._ And he can't help but think about how pathetic he is, and yeah, that's probably not the best train of thought to stop his panic attack, but it's the only thing he can think about right now. It's just-- when did Liam become so horrible at living? When did everything go to shit? Was it back in March, on the cool night when his family fell apart? Or maybe it was five years ago in August, when his best friend suddenly decided he wanted nothing to do with him? Or maybe it was back when he was only five, when he was first pushed down and called nasty names on the playground? Liam doesn't really know; he just knows it happened. At some point, life became less like something joyous and more like something painful.)

For the second time that day, Liam locks himself in a bathroom stall; only this time no one runs in after him.

He counts to two-hundred-thirty before he can breathe normally again.

* * *

 

By the time Liam returns to the classroom, Danielle has come back too, and Ms. Owens is talking. He sits down quietly, ignoring Andy's concerned glances and Perrie's suspicious gaze. Andy mouths, _Are you okay?_ at him, but Liam can only give him a shaky nod in response. The rest of class passes quickly and without incident.

At 11:20, the bell for lunch rings, but before he can get out the door, Ms. Owens calls out, "Liam?" He turns to her, and she asks, "Can I see you for a moment?"

Hesitant, he nods and stands at her desk. Once everyone else leaves, Ms. Owens stares at him for a few seconds before asking, "Why didn't you do your homework, Liam?"

He shrugs. She nods as if she had expected that. "It's only October, yet you are already failing my class." He swallows, silent. "If this were an advanced course, I would suggest you drop, but not only is this at the regular level, but it's also required. So, I must ask you if you would be willing to have a tutor? A student in my honors class has already agreed to help you."

Liam nods because, really, he doesn't have much of a choice in the matter. If he doesn't keep at least a C in this class, he's liable to be banned from participating in sports.

(He refuses to think about what his father would do if he discovered Liam needed tutoring; he only acknowledges that his father would do _much_ worse if he discovered Liam not only failed a class but also couldn't play volleyball or soccer because of it.)

"Fantastic!" Ms. Owens smiles. "You are an Office Aide during second, yes?" Liam doesn't question why exactly she knows this, only nods. "Meet your tutor in the library during that time then."

Liam doesn't have the courage to ask who his tutor is, but it's someone in Honors English, so maybe it's Louis. He nods again and heads for the door. As he walks through the doorway, Ms. Owens calls out his name. Her eyebrows are furrowed when he looks back at her. "Are you okay, Liam?"

Liam gives her a tight smile almost instinctively. "Of course," he says, careful to keep his voice level. "Just tired is all."

(He has done enough lying by now that he knows to have the most convincing cover, one must offer another alternative to the truth, instead of simply denying or confirming.)

She nods, though her forehead is still crinkled. "Okay." She purses her lips and surveys him for a few moments before returning to her work.

He exits the classroom into the empty hallway before pausing.

(Lunch has already begun, and no doubt Louis and Niall are wondering where Liam is. If he goes to the cafeteria, he will have to face their worrying glances and prying questions. Besides, he won't eat anyway. The number he saw on the scale this morning _too much, too much_  is still branded across his eyelids, and his father's words _no pain, no gain_ still echo in his head. However, if he doesn't go, Louis and Niall might come find him and worry even more.)

Liam sighs and walks to the cafeteria.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't what I intended to upload. I meant to add more to the end of the chapter, but it's been forever since I updated so I decided to abandon that plan and post what I have so far. Anyway, hope you liked it! xx :)


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